Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Putting Together The Pieces

Portraits take time to paint. I'm sure we can all think of a portrait of some famous person that becomes "the" image of that person. One portrait that comes to my mind is of George Washington. Since I've never seen George Washington in the flesh, my understanding of what he looked like was through his portraits. A portrait is a construction, brush strokes that have coalesced into a whole picture that represents something.



The past few weeks I have worked on a portrait in some sense. The portrait is not a painting, but rather a collection of events from a year in the life of my Grandmother. A year is not much in respects to a lifetime. I see it as a brush stroke in a life that was fruitful and full of stories and events. By focusing on one year, I have found that a lifetime of events has boiled up. When I think of the times that I have had with my Grandmother and the year that is being examined I can't help but think of how mysterious life can be.

I do feel that life is very much a fleeting thing. One day we can be wrapped up in so many things or even wrapped up in one event that those things and events become all we know. But then the next day everything can be gone. Or even, everything that we thought was important is no longer of value. As I put together the pieces of a year I think I'm really trying to understand how some pieces fit into a greater story. The more I do this, the more perspective I gain. Every life is different, just as a portrait and the brush strokes that make up the portrait. What portrait are you painting? What greater story is your portrait telling?

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Silent March of History

If you stand for me
You may be disappointed
When the words that are spoken
Disconnects the hearts of listeners

Passive ears tingle
And the shifting of weight
The growing uncomfortableness

These
The precursor
To the silent march of history
Not away from you
But away from me

Grace
Sufficient Grace
Thorns and briers
For strength
Not for me
But for you

Sunday, September 26, 2010

For those few followers

I wanted to let those who follow, not that I'm leading anyone anywhere, that I have decided to create a second blog all about films. Partly so I can continue to work on my chops with writing but also to fully devote a space to film. The Band of Outsiders blog is more of a personal open forum of ideas and can be very scattered. Just look at previous posts.

But here is the link to the new place Light Through the Mirror

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Salesman

Nineteen sixty-eight was a year that many historians of the United States of America see as a turning point in the country's history. Even in the world of Hollywood filmmaking, nineteen sixty-eight saw seminal pieces of work that supported the changing landscape of the culture. Films such as; 2001: A Space Odyssey (Kubrick), Night of the Living Dead (Romero), Rosemary's Baby (Polanski, Head (Rafelson), Faces (Cassavetes), and many more. These films not only showed the changing landscape of American culture, (some argue the rise of youth culture, others the change from modernism to post-modernism) but also the philosophical and psychological shift in the representation of characters within the films. The general tone and feel of many films in the sixties seemed to personify the difficulties of accepting the "establishment" and the separation of generations seemed to show the gulf that was growing between young and old.



The documentary film Salesman (Maysles Brothers, 1968) supports the philosophical change in the American psyche that was prevalent in the nineteen sixties. Salesman, though, shows the pressure of working class salesmen who struggle for financial security. In filmmaking the classical Hollywood big spectacle films offered much in the way of surface appeal. You knew who the characters were and how they would face the challenges that arose in the film. As independents and young film makers infiltrated Hollywood, characters became more complex, and doubt, fear and failure became traits of the hero's in some films. That's if the film even had a hero. Salesman has no hero but ever presently convey's the doubts, fears and failure that comes with selling door to door.

Now I'm sure for those who are of the documentary mindset, Salesman is no mystery. But in comparison to the fiction films of nineteen sixty-eight, Salesman seems other worldly. Maybe it is because of the film stock, the black and white film stock doesn't have the flare of even George Romero's Night of the Living Dead. Or maybe that other worldliness comes from the fact that the filmmakers follow salesmen who look so unexciting, and don't have the counter culture representation or even appeal as say the characters in Bob Rafelson's Head. But there is something that Salesman has that many of the popular films of nineteen sixty-eight doesn't have and that's reality.

Salesman centers around four main Bible salesman, one in particular Paul Brennan, nicknamed "The Badger".

It is his story within the films body that seems to be the center piece. Paul's visits to various houses and attempts at selling a highly ornamented catholic bible are wrought with failure and a half hearted attempt at trying to make a sale. Paul's failures are mixed with other salesmen's success. In one day of selling Paul has no success and at the end of the day he is asked how the battle went? He talks about the day while his fellow salesman watches a boxing match on television. In a way Paul is broken down fighter. He says he used everything he had to try and sell but nothing happened. Paul acknowledges that the business is on the fringe but it is not the business. It is Paul that teeters on the fringe, with each failure he comes closer and closer to breaking. The Maysle brothers capture each failure and the build up tension with close ups of Paul that seem to bottle the anger, disappointment and resignation that Paul vocalizes among his fellow salesman at the end of the day.




From the outset of the film the pressure to sell the Bibles is evident. Excuses are made by Paul about the territory that the salesman are selling in. When addressing an assembly of the salesmen, the general manager chides the salesmen as being the reason for any rejection of a sale. In one sequence as Paul travels by train to the Chicago sales meeting his journey is intercut with fellow salesman pridefully exuding themselves.


At the sales meeting the salesmen are told that they are doing God's work by selling Bibles. The evidence of their work is spiritually lacking and catholicism is used as a tool to try and sell Bibles and Encyclopedias. It seems that the only higher authority that they are working for is a financial deity. The salesmen use the differences between Irish catholics and other european catholics to try and find ways to exploit the consumers emotions. Along with pandering to potential buyers, using two salesman to make a sale, or incessantly pushing the product to create guilt.

One sequence of the film has two of the salesmen using as much spin to sell the Bible to a family that cannot afford the cost. The wife of the family wants the Bible but knows that the cost is out of reach. The salesmen do whatever they can in getting a small down payment. Later in the film Paul visits the poor family and lies about his position as a district manager and then creates a story about penalizing the processor of the order to get money out of the wife of the poor family.


What follows is Paul changing a flat tire. The flat tire is a minor inconvenience compared to making a sale but I can't help but see the flat tire as a symbol for the extent that Paul will go to make a dollar. He roles the tire down a hill and laughs. Paul is no different from the tire, he's used and blown out, his job is a joke and the pressure of selling is too much to take. After a terrible work day he vents about selling and believes he has all of the reasons why people buy and don't buy the Bible. His fellow co-workers treat him as if he is a leper, it is as if the lack of success could be contagious. Paul tags along on a potential sale and tries to help his fellow salesman. What happens is Paul being rejected and then used as selling device by his fellow worker to try and get a family to buy the Bible.


It's the last straw for Paul and he quits being a salesman. He try's to joke with his fellow workers but Paul's attempts are futile, instead of being funny he looks burned out and sounds incoherent.




In an interview the Maysles participated in about documentary they quoted about Salesman the verse from the Bible, "What profit a man if he gains the world yet loses his soul?" Paul is a man who knows that his soul is gone and traded for the dollar. He sings at one point in the film if I was a rich man, from Fiddler on the Roof. Paul is a real example of the malaise of living a life that is constantly striving for financial success. Many fictional films of the sixties portrayed characters with a dissatisfaction for established means of living, and characters looking for a freer way of life. The final blank stare that Paul gives in Salesman does not offer much in the way of hope for his future. The door to door sales business has passed him by, the emasculation of being a failure only leaves Paul with the possibility of retiring. But what is he retiring to? Of the landscape that we see in Salesman we see the harsh Massachusetts weather of winter. The broken down landscape via train when Paul goes to Chicago for the sales meeting and then finally the bazar world of Florida, with streets named after characters and places from Sinbad's Voyage and the houses residing eclectic residents. Paul is out of place, time and purpose.

Though time has progressed past the sixties and the days of door to door salesman with the nature that is represented in the film, Salesman still touches upon the challenge of trying to make a living. Grand philosophical and psychological words are never really spoken in Salesman but the film's content still seems to ask the question, "For what is our purpose, and why do we do what we do?" For every forlorn stare and moment of contemplation that seems to be a product of the environment in which we work, there is a bit of Paul within us. Maybe our souls were not meant for the whole world.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

June 30: Closing The Book

So much time can be spent
Reading about things that happened
Though understanding and knowledge can be gained
You can't go back and do it again

In moments so brief
Observations ever changing
There needs to be a new chapter
So there can be a morning after

Turn the cover down
The book goes back on the shelf
Tales later to be spoken
One day the books to be open
When the soul passes on
Let the books
Reflect the songs
Of the years that are gone



This final song/poem bookends the month. This notebook can now be closed for a little while but there will probably be times will when I will open the blue notebook, read the words and reflect. There is not only a time to look back but a time to put the pen to the blank page.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

June 29: Office Scene

Fluorescent bulbs
Blinding life out of the eyes
The cluttered desk
Pictures of happier times
High-heeled shoes teetering
One hand supporting
A brow partially covered
By strands of hair

The squeak of the chair
A click of the keyboard
Shuffled papers
The micro-sonic clench of the hand
The calendar met to cheer up
Marking numbers till the weekend

The inbox fills up
The clock marches on
The eyes shadowing discomfort
The heart beats for something more

Monday, June 28, 2010

June 28: A Question of Building

Who are the ones
That are going to build my house?
That question reaching inward
Yet making me reach out

Though the context may mean
Something very different
Your other words
Challenge me to make a difference

Give me a hammer
Give me some nails
I'll try to build upon
Something that will never fail
My skills may be limited
But your guidance will see me through
At the end of that work
It will all be for the glory of you

When you say, "Go,
Reach out to those rejected"
Work out of me
All the prejudice that'll make me ineffective

There shouldn't be a place
That I shouldn't bring a light to shine
Even though the threat is high
You say, "You're still mine"

So,
Give me a hammer
Give me some nails
I'll try to build upon
Something that will never fail
My skills may be limited
But your guidance will see me through
At the end of that work
It will all be for the glory of you

The work to be done
Is for so many
But the workers are few
Give strength to the minority
So the majority
Can give praise to you

Give me a hammer
Give me some nails
I'll try to build upon
Something that will never fail
My skills may be limited
But your guidance will see me through
At the end of that work
It will all be for the glory of you

Are you the one
That's going to build my house?

Sunday, June 27, 2010

June 27: The Long Nights

I never asked for
A time of testing
Even when it helps me
Understand times of blessings

Instead of seeking comfort
And asking for help
I was off to a corner
Refusing to get well

I don't understand loss
But I'm beginning to understand
What it means to carry my cross

When long nights
Seemed as if they would never end
And heartache
Was my only friend
The still small voice inside
Glared light into my eyes
That opportunity to blink
Opening my eyes to see and think
About how there's approaching
A greater day

My words were often
Very, very few
Folding hands in prayer
Was the opposite of what I wanted to do

It always felt easy
To let failure reign
And to forget about wisdom
That comes through times of pain

I don't understand loss
But I'm beginning to understand
What it means to carry my cross

When long nights
Seemed as if they would never end
And heartache
Was my only friend
The still small voice inside
Glared light into my eyes
That opportunity to blink
Opening my eyes to see and think
About how there's approaching
A greater day

The battles are never over
Even though I plead for
Peace during this war
The struggles are not
For me alone
The battle belongs to the Lord

I never asked for
A time of testing
Even when it helps me
Understand times of blessing




There have been many instances that have led me to having long nights. Some were of my own doing, others having come from people around me. When I think about having to "carry my cross" I reflect to why Jesus had to carry his on his day of death. His burden was so much more than just the present physical suffering he faced, but he was carrying the burden of the world. When there are moments of pain, it was there, loneliness, sorrow, seclusion, they were all there that day. And most importantly the three letter word of death, sin. If Jesus had never carried the cross, we would never have the blessing of it.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

June 26: The River Named Life

There's a river named Life
It helps the weary to thrive
The deep waters they will keep
All those thirsty to be alive

There's a river
For the children of the king
There's a river
On the banks we will sing
Glory, Glory, Glory
To the King, everlasting

There's no cost to drink
From that Holy river
Understand the Lord is merciful
And the true life giver

There's a river
For the children of the king
There's a river
On the banks we will sing
Glory, Glory, Glory
To the King, everlasting

Let the cool water
Come and revive your soul
This river is for eternity
For the sheep in the shepherds fold

There's a river
For the children of the king
There's a river
On the banks we will sing
Glory, Glory, Glory
To the King, everlasting

Let the water flood over
With mercy and grace
On all the saints and followers
From every tribe and race
And let us all sing
Glory, Glory, Glory
To the King, everlasting

There's a river
For the children of the king
There's a river
On the banks we will sing
Glory, Glory, Glory
To the King, everlasting

Friday, June 25, 2010

June 25: Sometime After The Ceremony

The sunlight blinded my eyes
The future just as hard to see
The reading of every name
The handshake that meant I was free

With a bit of pomp and circumstance
There was nowhere left to go
Life just shifted enormously
All I could do was play "Heroes"

I was told that
It's okay to dream
About what I could be
And the places I could see
Because we're all great achievers

As that sun went down
The orange and brown
Sunlight burned away
All the accolades
From this doubting believer

The concrete path
Leading out of that field
Our names etched into that stone
Once brimming with zeal

Now ten years or so
That stone starting to fade
Erosion just doesn't take names
It indicates false progress made

I once believed
I had five years to prove
Whether life was worth living
And even if it was worth attempting
Trying to be a great achiever

But wisdom doesn't come
With a push of a button
Perspective comes with time
And context comes inline
From this older believer

Pictures show someone
Who once was me
The paper of completion
Nowhere to be seen

That march goes on
The concrete path getting longer
The sun rising and falling
And Bluejays moving onward




I am reminded whenever I do a track workout at my former high school of how time has moved on since my time there. The etched nickname is not the same as it once was, and those fellow classmates of mine, their names disappearing. One day there will just be a concrete stone that looks choppy. How fitting that our life is reflected in some concrete.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

June 24: The Growing Canyon

I know that
All men are created equal
Yet I constantly find
Separated people

The rain falls on the rich
And the poor
Yet the rich get away with
What the poor go to jail for

There's a canyon growing
A wider and wider gap
Between those who have
And those that lack

In that daily paper
Entertainment we find
Not in the celebrity
But in the disenfranchised

As the fiddle song plays
The great dance and scourge
The fire grows stronger
Leaving hope burned
The smoke rises high
The signal of demise
The time for cowards passed

For the low
The scraps we throw
We say, "It could be worse,
I hope you know."

For those who think
They've risen above that line
Beware the marionette strings
That'll be cut at any time

As the fiddle song plays
The great dance and scourge
The fire grows stronger
Leaving hope burned
The smoke rises high
The signal of demise
The time for cowards passed

For the ones at the top
A drought of satisfaction
The gathering of techno stones
Are empty accumulation

As the fiddle song plays
The great dance and scourge
The fire grows stronger
Leaving hope burned
The smoke rises high
The signal of demise
The time for cowards passed

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

June 23: A Brief Word About Water

Underneath the earth
Melting off icy sides
Down course mountains
Flowing with the tides
Evaporating with heat
Forming clouds in the sky
Falling into the ocean
Or off the cheek from a cry

The streams pass
Into the rivers
Providing drink
Like a gift giver
Marsh and bogs
Deltas and bays
Into the great engine
The designers way

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

June 22: The Old Straws

The old stuff
Ain't gonna save
Nor will I
Be the one to make the change

When we grasp
To all the old straws
Where passing on
A tombstone already engraved

Those legal rules
That were never written
Cover over all
The ways to be uncomfortable

When we look
For true authenticity
All we find
Is our lives dichotomy

When you arise
From the seat you're in
And move on
To the next best thing
Know that one day
The excitement will wear
And the damage done
You can't repair

Now at the buffet
We take small portions
Moving from dish to dish
Till our faces full

If by chance
You're still hungry
Maybe it's because we got milk
Not solid food

When you arise
From the seat you're in
And move on
To the next best thing
Know that one day
The excitement will wear
And the damage done
You can't repair

Know that there is
Precedent
For a deaf ear
To be turned
To those crying out
For some kind of
Free hand out

Monday, June 21, 2010

June 21: Before I Go, Let Me Tell You Something

When the trumpet sounds
I'm going home
When the trumpet sounds
I'm going home
When the trumpet sounds
I'm going home
Going home to be with the Lord

I'm going to throw off
All those chains
I'm going to throw off
All those chains
I'm going to throw off
All those chains
That keep me tied down to this world

If the trump don't sound
I know where I'm gonna go
If the trump don't sound
I know where I'm gonna go
If the trump don't sound
I know where I'm gonna go
Gonna go to the Lord at the end of the road

Before I go
Let me tell you something
Before I go
Let me tell you something
Before I go
Let me tell you something
About the man who is my King

Let me tell you
Of the wondrous things he has done
Let me tell you
Of the wondrous things he has done
Let me tell you
Of the wondrous things he has done
And how he came to rescue you and me

Gonna sing hallelujah
To the King
Gonna sing hallelujah
To the King
Gonna sing hallelujah
To the King
For his love covers over all sins



There are allot of songs that I could write, and even poems and stories, scripts etc. Only one thing matters. That is the story of redemption that is for all. The repetitive nature of blues/gospel/spiritual, hammer homes the importance of what the singer is singing. So here I try to hammer the important home.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

June 20: The Land of Tests and Money

Vocabulary
For you and me
As we are
Part of a system
That says
We care

That care
Is placed somewhere
In standardized tests
After all
If you don't compare
Or match up
In the worlds
Education fair
Then you
Fail

Meanwhile...

In a building
In a hut
The only competition
Is against that
Which is defeating
A chance
To live

Back over here...

Fight
And Climb
Get out of the way
Here's a resumé
I got the goods
Is there anything I could
Do

You learn
What you learn
For the service
Of the dollar
Which makes
Our wheels turn

We may be favored
But we are not
Saviors



For some reason when I hear statistics that compare one country with another in educational matters I feel frustrated. Maybe it is the manner of spin or our need to be competing, but education is not a game. Though recent trends are pointing towards a future where the only way that education will be effective will be through models of video games and other sorts of competitive forms. Then there is the question why? Why our educational model and for what purpose do we learn?

I think back to an episode of the now gone show NOW. In one episode young children were shown traveling through the jungles of Bangladesh to learn on boats that had been set up since the ocean and the wetlands are taking over the land of the country. Young children learning so that they may one day be able to help their families and country. I then witness the attitude of children the same age and older within this country, where the value of education bows in worship to the dollar bill. All modes, and classes are pursued for the sake of academic record to maybe get an extra buck so that a transcript will look good and maybe the college of our dreams will drop a small morsel of a scholarship.

We've got the best in educational setting but there's a sacrifice that comes with that. Some don't even realize what they've lost.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

June 19: The Party

Get into your ride
And take to the highway
There's a party coming
Down from the sky

If you don't have a drum
You still got your hands
As we sing a glorious song
All sorrows will be gone

In the morning
When this world is over
Were gonna praise
The Holy one

Every moment
And every chance
Sound the trumpet
Get up and dance

There's a song for answers
There's a song because we win
There's a song of salvation
To our great and glorious king

There's a song for eternity
There's a song for all you've made
There 's joy forever
Because of the one who saves

In the morning
When this world is over
Were gonna praise
The Holy one

Every moment
And every chance
Sound the trumpet
Get up and dance

We'll dance
Because we know
That the crimson
Is now white as snow
And those hills
So hard to climb
Are made level
For all time

In the morning
When this world is over
Were gonna praise
The Holy one

Every moment
And every chance
Sound the trumpet
Get up and dance

Friday, June 18, 2010

June 18: Old Brother Cain

Two people, so different
But so much alike
Together for a moment
But wedged by a spike

If you look at me that way
There'll be hell to pay
Fingers clenching tightly
What, do you want to fight me?

When the fruit wasn't good enough
You're offering came up short
Jealousy, rage and pride
Because mans favorite sport
Now from one
To times everyone
The lines are drawn in the sand
As long as the entitled stand
The moment to fancy a fight
Over that which is thought as right
Has been a mark of history's darkest night
And so for a moment
A reflection of pain
From our old brother Cain



A thought crossed my mind on what would happen if someone threatened me harm. My initial reaction was threaten then if need be fight. Why is that the first thing that crosses my mind?

In a way the actions of Cain in the garden of Eden reflect the condition of our hearts when it comes to violence. Cain did kill his brother but before that he was selfish. Selfish, because when his offering was denied and his brother accepted; jealousy, pride and anger led him to a path of destruction. One that I know I am very capable of.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

June 17: One Foot On Land, The Other In The Sea

I've got a thousand excuses
That keep me from moving
Fear like cement blocks on my feet
And pessimism from losing

Carefully selecting each word
So as not to offend
How words like salvation and righteousness
Became wrong, must have been from some men

But it's not just them
It's also me
One finger out
And three for me to see
When I build a wall
But play the worlds game
I fail to know love
And am just the same
As everyone

What's it going to take
To drive out that fear
I may have got the knowledge
But that doesn't make anything clear

For every step forward
There's a desire to look back
If I try to run from it all
There's still so much I lack

But it's not just them
It's also me
One finger out
And three for me to see
When I build a wall
But play the worlds game
I fail to know love
And am just the same
As everyone

For freedom
You came
To set us free
Seal upon our hearts
The promises that'll make us be
Like a light for all the world to see

One day I'll stand
Before the seat
Of the one so great
The only words to speak
Will be Holy


Building a wall may isolate us from the outside world but that doesn't mean the world isn't in us. There's nothing we can do to set ourselves free.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

June 16: Blue Notebook

It doesn't feel like that long ago
When time was spent writing
Words that captured emotions
From one with so much inside

Every artist and every song
Touching upon multiplying aspects
Connecting every turn and twist of youth
Into a force unrelenting

Those songs ring out
Like a bell signaling war
The toll of those times may never tell
The excitement behind creating



There is a blue spiral notebook (the same one that I am using to write down this months posts) that has some of my original "punk" songs that I wrote from over 10 years ago. Though those songs may sound silly or inane now, they are still a reflection of someone that I was. Those songs matter, even if you wouldn't find performing them anytime soon.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

June 15: Whatever it Takes

My mouth lacks the words to say
When heart brake and sorrow
Carry so much weight

Before a syllable reaches my tongue
The mind tries to comprehend
What else more there is to come

The ache
Of the heart
Is where the change
Can start

To find a cause worthy
For your honor and glory
Remind me of what's at stake
If a mile in pains shoes
Bring me closer to you
Then let that be what it takes

One day the war will end
But these wounds carry stories
That even now are hard to comprehend

Pressing on is easy
When you hide from the battle
That's not how we should be

Cause the ache
Of the heart
Is where the change
Can start

To find a cause worthy
For your honor and glory
Remind me of what's at stake
If a mile in pains shoes
Bring me closer to you
Then let that be what it takes

Oh whatever it takes Lord
To be closer to you
Do whatever it takes
So I can know you

The ache of the heart
Is where the change can start